The Weekly Top Ten: potential movie remakes

The Godfater

OK, so it’s possibly the best film ever made with star performances from some of the greatest actors to grace the screen. That doesn’t mean Michael Bay can’t spruce things up a bit … IN 3-D! Bullets flying at your face, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Michael Corleone, and Megan Fox as some girl in a bikini, I smell a summer blockbuster.

Citizen Kane

Hey, another great classic. The only problem with it is that it’s so, you know, old. Who wants to watch movies in black and white anyway? Re-film that thing in high definition so I can watch it on my PS3 Blu-Ray player in between rounds of Call of Duty 18: Call of Dutier.

Lord of the Rings

Yeah, of course these movies are awesome. But the CGI is so four years ago. And they aren’t even in 3-D. How can I enjoy a movie if I don’t have the vague sensation of motion sickness afterwards?

The Pianist

Look, I know they went for the whole “historical accuracy” thing with that one. But it’s a movie, and any director has a certain amount of creative license. Do the Jews really have to lose so hard in the Holocaust? Adrian Brody has been cast in the new Predator movie – strap an AK-47 to him in Warsaw and let’s see some action, Polanski.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Everything is great about this movie, except for one small detail – it’s in a language I can’t understand. C’mon, guys, are you saying I have to read for two hours? Borrrrring. Oh, and make it… IN 3-D!

Pulp Fiction

One of the great things about the original movie is that it revived so many careers of actors such as John Travolta, Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson. These guys haven’t been doing so swell once again, it seems. You’d be foolish to think Tarantino isn’t indulgent enough to remake one of his own movies. Just use the same cast, Quentin. You’d be doing them a favor twice over.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Yeah, it was remade a few years ago. So what? Hollywood has about as much originality as Glenn Beck has sanity (Hey-o!). Churn out another remake. Who cares? Prove to me that it won’t make enough money to spawn at least two sequels.

Jaws

More blood, more sharks, more explosions and more crazy, Ahab-like obsessed shark chasers. Did I mention more blood? And while we’re at it, make it some giant, deep sea shark-like Cloverfield monster and shoot it all on an HD camcorder. Oh, I almost forgot: IN 3-D!

Casablanca

Like my suggestion with The Pianist, if Inglourious Basterds has taught us anything, it’s that history can be ignored and rewritten sans tact and taste. I vote more shootouts with Nazis, car chases and Hitler jokes delivered by Brad Pitt in a horrendous Southern accent.

Any Previous Move In 3-D

IN 3-D! Think about that. That’s, like, 6-D cinema. I’m sorry, but did I just blow your mind? potential movie remakes